How to change internally: 4 steps to change

If, when asked if a person is happy, he says yes without hesitation – it means how he lives, what he does, the people around him, etc., he is quite satisfied and every day brings him a lot of positive emotions that provide a charge of strength for new achievements. Those who were less fortunate, or rather, who lacked something to fulfill their desires – perseverance, patience or courage, are likely to think before claiming their happiness, because their plans were not realized.

Phrases a la "it's impossible to change", "I don't have a strong enough character to achieve more" – absolute nonsense, because according to psychologists it is quite possible to change yourself, and thanks to such changes you can change your life.

Each of us wants to change ourselves in some way: get rid of shyness or irritability, become more purposeful or cheerful... Changes do not happen instantly. Transformation – this is the road we have to walk step by step.

What awaits us on the path of change

1. Insight

You are generally satisfied with the way you live – everything is comfortable and seems to be safe. But here's something happening. Bright or completely imperceptible, it violates the usual way of your life, and you suddenly feel an unpleasant stirring of dissatisfaction in your soul. Reality seems to be pushing: think about it, is this the kind of person you wanted to live?

Awareness of the desire to change one's character comes suddenly. Something happens that breaks the blinders of everyday life, forcing us to rise above the everyday routine and ask the question: “Who am I and how do I live? Am I happy with this? Do I always want to live like this?” Various internal and external events, intense or not very intense, positively or negatively colored, can push you to such a conversation with yourself. Illness, dismissal from work, a good book, betrayal of a spouse or a chance meeting with a girlfriend.

But in fact it is a fateful event that provokes an insight, – only a trigger that opens the floodgates of consciousness for thoughts that previously remained outside of it.

Most likely, you have been thinking about this for a long time, but did not fully realize your own dissatisfaction – it was too convenient to live by habit, without changing anything.

You've suppressed irritation, failed to notice a drop in self-esteem, compared yourself to someone who has achieved more… And here is a meeting with a classmate who touched something inside, causing both delight and indignation with a different way of thinking and way of life from yours… These moments lead to an acute awareness of the need to change internally – in order to become yourself. Passion for ideas, building plans and fulfilling our desires often paradoxically takes us away from ourselves. We get used to imperfections, limitations, and almost no longer feel tightness and spasms. Therefore, it is so important at the moment of insight not to ignore your own feelings, but to listen and try to understand yourself. Why, for example, has ceased to be interesting in the company of girlfriends or no longer wants

2. Uncertainty

This step – a test of our will to change. He either affirms you in the desire to become different, or nullifies noble impulses. How valuable are new ideas to you personally? What is – a manifestation of your nature or a stupid attempt to put on someone else's dress? A period of doubt will help separate the wheat from the chaff…

“Would be great, but…“, “How will my loved ones take it?”, “Will I gain more than I lose?”, “Will I be happier than now?” ; – these questions overwhelm us as soon as we decide to change our lives. Any change means taking risks. After all, you are moving away from your usual state towards uncertainty. It's always scary – not be able to predict the future with 100% probability.

Nevertheless, the stage of doubt – necessary. Uncertainty does not deprive us of the freedom to choose – it only creates the conditions for our choice to be conscious. This stage makes it possible to avoid the mistakes inherent in rash actions. It allows us to assess the importance of what we are going to take, and the risks that we are ready to take in the name of change.

Uncertainty - allows you to assess the importance of what we are going to take, and the risks that we are ready to take in the name of change.

However, if we hesitate too long, it kills in us the desire to change our character. We "cool down", lose the energy that is needed for action, and return to the starting position. Perhaps your expectations of change are excessive, and the bar – too high? Ask yourself honestly what do you expect from the changes, do you realize that working on yourself will require a lot of time and effort and, perhaps, the ability to rise after defeats and start again? And if, after frank answers to these questions, the goal does not become less desirable – limit your hesitation and make up your mind.

Read also: "

How to develop your willpower"

3. Resistance

Following the period of doubt comes the stage of resistance to change. He is characterized by the thoughts “I won’t succeed,” “I am not capable of such actions.” This is – a reason to abandon the plan?

Inside each of us lives a kind of saboteur who does not want to change his life and blocks all our efforts. Sigmund Freud was the first to discover this universal property of the psyche and called it "resistance". Resistance function – counteract awareness of desires, feelings, or ideas that can destroy an established image of ourselves and lead to a change in life or relationships dear to us. Despite the fact that it is – terminology of psychoanalysis, we constantly observe manifestations of resistance in everyday life – remember how often we tend not to admit the obvious!

Resistance Tool – a formed system of attitudes, a kind of filters through which we look at our life.

In everyday situations, they can help us a lot by automating routine decisions, saving a huge amount of time and energy. The peculiarity of these attitudes determines our character, forms our individuality. “Best – enemy of the good", "I'm always right", "I should" – you need to know these settings and take them for granted. This will allow them to “correct” in a situation of making an important decision.

At first, this will not always succeed, and even then in hindsight. For example, you realize that the reason for yesterday's quarrel with your husband – what worked was the eternal "I know better". Don't try to force “disable” your filter from tomorrow. This will only create a “superfilter” designed to control the previous one, and will only complicate your system of installations, slow down the movement towards change. Just know your settings. Being aware of them, you will be able to make a choice, use the usual way of thinking, or try to look at the state of things in a way that is unusual for you.

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4. Embodiment of the plan

Internal transformation – a long way from concrete small steps-actions aimed at the realization of the plan. Having gone through three stages of change, you have come to the conscious need for transformation. What happens next? How do you treat yourself? Do you consider yourself generally a good person? A positive healthy self-image will help you move towards your goal effectively and at a good pace, while self-blame, which may have pushed you to work on yourself, will be a serious obstacle. Therefore, self-forgiveness, self-acceptance and a benevolent attitude towards yourself are very important in order for the process of changing your character to begin.

Violent activity and a sharp transition to a different manner of behavior are not always signs of internal changes. Radical actions rather indicate a superficial belief that everything will happen instantly and easily, while personal transformation implies deep lasting changes that manifest themselves in the most ordinary, everyday actions. These are moments of reflection, spoken words of gratitude to his wife, an attentive conversation with his teenage daughter. Every day, every minute of everyday life, do ordinary things with a focus on the intended goal – here is a recipe for deep change.