Long years of living together often have a negative impact on marital sex – intimacy is either completely excluded or becomes quite rare. But after all, when two people are madly in love with each other, they want to please their partner as often as possible, why then, after marriage, the situation changes so dramatically? In this article, the editors of estet-portal analyzed the reasons for neglecting sex in marriage and compiled a list of ways to return erotica to married life.
According to official statistics, almost 10% of married couples have no sexual relationship at all in marriage. And according to unofficial data – in almost every third case, the spouses gently kiss each other before going to bed, lie down in the same bed, cover themselves with one blanket and turn to each other & hellip; marital backs.
Why spouses refuse to have sex
We are not talking about cases where there are real important circumstances that prevent intimacy. For example, the birth of a child, the illness of one of the partners or acute stress at work. Such events, quite naturally, knock people out of the normal rhythm of life. And as they resolve, marital sex (article – 10 benefits of marital sex) is safely restored.
Passion often leaves marital beds for much more mundane reasons.
Ira and Vladimir's sexual relationship ended after Vladimir received a promotion at work. No, he was not in the office for 16 hours a day and was not exhausted to the point of fainting. But the burden of responsibility made him so nervous that nothing worked in the bedroom. They tried unsuccessfully several times in the first month of promotion, and then gave up trying for two whole years. At first, both spouses experienced a lack of relationships, and then – used to. We bought a TV in the bedroom and watched movies together until late at night…
Often a decrease in sexual desire is due to hormonal imbalance. However, after the hormonal balance is restored, a person may not feel attracted to their partner due to unsettled situations in their relationship. People admit that they feel unhappy, offended, rejected by a partner and do not feel accepted and trusted by a loved one. This causes them to close and not initiate contacts.
Another story. Sasha and Nina have been married for three years. In their relationship, at first glance, everything is perfect – spouses always hold hands, walk, travel, hug and kiss. In their connection - a sea of tenderness. But passion is missing. The couple are very close. For example, Nina can pluck her husband's nose hair with tweezers. And he – wash her linen… No secrets, complete trust. And sex in marriage – no.
What is the danger of not having sex in a marriage?
Happy marriages are possible without sex – especially if the physiological need for sexual relations in both spouses is initially small. But this is rather an exception to the rule. In the vast majority of cases, platonic relationships in a marriage are indicative of a problem.
If you run away from a direct solution to this issue, the absence of a sexual life quickly acquires a tendency to self-preservation. Psychologists say that the longer a man has not had sexual intercourse, the more difficult it is for him to decide to initiate sex because of the fear of rejection or failure. Women also tend to get "stuck" in the lack of intimacy, their hormonal system "falls asleep" and does not seem to require sex. But at the same time, the lack of intimacy has an extremely adverse effect on their psycho-emotional state. Women become irritable, quarrelsome, anxious, picky.
And abstinence makes men painfully insecure and insecure (not to mention that it provokes sexual disorders).
According to research by psychologists from Stockholm University, the lack of arousal and sexual contact contributes to an increase in the emotional and physical distance between spouses. Couples who reported having little to no marital sex had lower levels of marital satisfaction than those who made love regularly. Moreover, if one of the spouses in a couple was satisfied with the absence of intimate relationships, the other in most cases suffered from forced abstinence. And seriously doubted that their family was viable in the long run.
Besides, there is another good reason to focus on the importance of maintaining sex between spouses. The lack of sexual fulfillment in marriage leaves you or your partner open to fulfillment outside of marriage. It is hardly worth blaming someone who seeks sex on the side because of domestic abstinence: he simply satisfies a basic human physiological need. You can’t blame a person for having lunch?
How to bring eroticism back into your marriage?
- Speak about it! Never gloss over the problem. Yes, it is difficult to initiate a discussion, even if before you and your partner were frank and easily discussed any topic. This is a delicate topic, and bringing your partner to a frank conversation will require all your delicacy and a lot of patience. It is very important to choose the right moment to start a conversation. But in any case, do not delay. End a three-month absence of sex in a marriage – difficult, but a three-year – a thousand times harder. And each new week of silence will only exacerbate the problem.
Change the scenery. If possible – go on a trip. Just the two of you.
- New external circumstances will affect your perception of yourself and each other, help you feel different or different. This will make it easier to change habitual patterns of behavior. Believe me, you will return from a romantic trip completely different.
- It doesn't have to be a five-star hotel in Bora Bora. Sometimes a country house is enough. Or just a new bed in your bedroom (provided that the children are still with their grandmother).
- Watch your daily habits. For example, perhaps you ”hooked” to late-night shows that your spouse hates, and spend evenings alone on the couch instead of socializing or doing things together. A person cannot change if he does not know what to work on. Therefore, it will take some time to understand what in your daily behavior interferes with sexual relations in marriage and how to change it.
- Try to make more physical contact. Touch gives us a sense of acceptance and builds trust. In addition, according to medical research, physical contact, even far from sexual, provokes a surge of oxytocin – hormone of tenderness and fidelity. Take a step towards your partner. Sit a little closer than usual, take your hand, touch your partner more often. These subtle tokens of tenderness will set the stage for more amazing moments in the future.
"Break stereotypes. The man they want – is not only gentle, but also aggressive"
- Remember the sexy times. When you enjoyed your special kiss. When they took a bath together. When you loved to excite your soul mate with a story about what you plan to do today in bed. Try revisiting old photos or videos together. Or meet former classmates who witnessed your all-consuming passion. Memories of hot times provoke a desire to return to them. So what's stopping you?
Read also: Psychology of a man and a woman: 6 signs that you do not understand a man
- Break stereotypes. If there is tenderness and comfort in your relationship, but no tension of passion, the reason is most likely excessive intimacy. You have become more like relatives than lovers. Sex requires distance, selfishness and a share of aggression – for it involves the use of a partner to satisfy one's own desires. The man they want – not only gentle, but also aggressive. And the desired female image at all times was split by the male look at the Madonna and the prostitute. It is worth finding a way to show your partner that you are – not "grandfather Lenin", but a man or woman with whom (oops) you can do this "dirty business". Send your partner a sexually explicit message. Or, for example, going to read before going to bed, Contact specialists. It is worth consulting with your doctor regarding your physical health. Perhaps the decrease in libido is purely physiological in nature.
In order to get closer to perfection, you need to work on yourself. It is important to do it correctly. How to set goals correctly, working on yourself so that you don’t give up? How to reward yourself for achievements? What is a "mental diet"?
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Read also: Intimacy and partner failure in sex: how to save a relationship
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