Conflict – one of the types of stressful situations that wreak havoc in the human brain. When we feel threatened, our natural instinct makes us defensive. In today's world, of course, we rarely have to run away from wild animals to save our lives, but the basic impulse to self-defense comes automatically at a subconscious level.
The two amygdala bodies (tonsils) are located deep in the temporal lobe of the brain. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk in his book The Body Keeps the Score (The Body Keeps the Score) calls this structure the "smoke detector" because the amygdala responds for the feeling of fear and prepares our body to respond to a dangerous situation. Therefore, it becomes very difficult to maintain composure in stressful situations.
Why is it difficult for us to keep our composure during conflict
When danger arises, the amygdala functions as an alarm, triggering the process of releasing a whole cascade of chemicals into the body. Stress hormones – adrenaline and cortisol – act immediately, preparing the body for the fight or flight response.
When this instinctive function takes control of the body, an intense emotional response to the perceived threat is set in motion (amygdala hijack, literally "tonsil hijacking"). As a result, the human body undergoes changes characteristic of stress:
- increased heart rate;
- excessive sweating;
- rapid and shallow breathing;
- appearance of trembling in the limbs and voice;
- blood flow to the face;
- neck tension;
- involuntary clenching of the jaws, etc.
The sensations that arise during stress cannot be called pleasant, however, they are not intended for relaxation, but for lightning-fast actions in order to save.
An active amygdala also immediately shuts off the neural pathway to the prefrontal cortex, resulting in the person being somewhat disoriented during conflict.
The complex decision-making process is blunted, as is our ability to analyze many possible scenarios. In such conditions it is difficult to maintain self-control. As our attention narrows, we notice only what gives us the greatest sense of security (in times of conflict – self-righteousness).
But not only emotions and the ability to think and analyze sensibly bring a person in a stressful situation. In times of conflict, memory cannot be relied upon. Does it happen that during a quarrel with your spouse you cannot remember a single good moment, because only the flaws and oversights of your partner come to mind?
This is because the brain is sacrificing memory function to cope with the existing threat. For this reason, it is so difficult for us to remember pleasant things from the past that would help us calm down and pull ourselves together. Instead of colorful memories in the brain, a red signal lamp is lit with the inscriptions: “Danger! React," "Danger! Protect yourself!”, “Danger! Attack!".
How to learn to maintain composure in stressful situations
Being at the mercy of the amygdala, we cannot consciously choose how to respond, because we are interfered with by the old defense mechanism of the nervous system, which has long worked and made a decision for us.
Is there any way to bypass this mechanism, to force the amygdala to obey your will during the conflict? This can be done by practicing mindfulness in a stressful situation.
Mindfulness during conflict allows you to maintain composure and bypass the subconscious reaction of the nervous system to stress. Instead of blindly following the amygdala and justifying your aggressive reactions later, you can learn to control your behavior and develop freer and more rewarding ways of interacting over time.
The first thing you need – the desire to overcome negative thoughts and develop the habit of adequately responding to a conflict situation. Like any other skill, it takes some practice.
To maintain composure during a conflict, you need the desire to overcome negative thoughts and develop the habit of adequately responding to a conflict situation.
There are various ways to take control of the nervous system and emotions, but they are all built on a common basis. Here are four simple steps to follow in the event of a conflict in order to maintain composure when the nervous system calls for "fight or flight":
- monitor your reaction;
- fight negative thoughts;
- listen to your body;
- control breathing.
Step 1: Watch your reactions to keep your composure
The first step towards awareness and self-control in a conflict situation is the need to notice changes in voice tone, heart rate, breathing, etc., characteristic of such an environment. Each of us has a characteristic set of bodily reactions that tell us about a potential threat. Try to notice them in time. If you are not aware that you are in a stressful situation, it will be impossible to maintain your composure.
Step 2: Chase negative thoughts away
This task is not easy to complete, especially during a conflict, but you will have to try. It is necessary to completely abandon the biased condemnation of the opponent. This is difficult, because our mind, when we begin to "boil", is filled with various thoughts, most of which are negative. However, it is necessary to try to abstract from them, to stop thinking about what is happening at least for a minute, since there is a feedback between our thoughts and the body. If you continue to wind yourself up by adding fuel to the fire, the level of stress hormones in the body will only increase and prevent you from taking a sober look at the situation and maintaining composure.
Step 3: mentally scan your body
You will have to pay attention not only to the emotions that arise, but also to the sensations in the body. Open your mind and mentally scan your body, noticing what sensations arise in it – perhaps an unpleasant sensation in the chest, trembling in the limbs, a feeling of tightness in the neck or in another part of the body. Pay attention to the different nature and intensity of sensations. At this stage, do not consciously try to suppress them, just feel how your body reacts to the situation.
Step 4: Start breathing properly to maintain composure
Proper breathing allows you to maintain self-control in stressful situations – almost all psychologists say so. There are different characteristics of breathing, but during times of conflict and/or stress, we only need to pay attention to two of them: rhythm and regularity. If you focus on these two indicators for just a couple of minutes, the production of cortisol and adrenaline will stop.
Maintain the rhythm of breathing – means to inhale and exhale, maintaining a certain interval between them. For example, inhale at the expense of 1, 2, 3, 4, and exhale – by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. Inhale again for a count of four and exhale for a count of 6 to control your breath.
It is also necessary to maintain the evenness of breathing, that is, the amount of inhaled and exhaled air (the depth of inhalation and exhalation) should be the same.
After that, feel how balance is restored in the body, and self-control and the ability to think clearly, listen to the interlocutor and adequately respond to his remarks return to you. This will take practice, but over time you will learn to replace negative emotions with positive ones.
Read also: Declare a fight! Stress hormone: cortisol, epinephrine, norepinephrine
Of course, you may not succeed the first time, because the discomfort experienced during the conflict and negative thoughts force us to get out of the current situation as quickly and sharply as possible. However, each time you will change your reaction to the conflict and you will soon notice that maintaining composure in a conflict situation is much more beneficial than being led by the amygdala and the fight-or-flight response.
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