Sooner or later, any married couple falls into the same ill-fated love triangle, the stumbling block of which is another woman. How to understand who she is: a fatal homeowner, a predator seeking to destroy the family nest, or just a fleeting hobby of the faithful? Do not rush to conclusions, advises the famous psychologist and writer Natalya TOLSTAYA. Having studied the phenomenon of betrayal, she wrote the book "Wife, mistress, beloved", which became a kind of manual for the deceived and deceived.
Writer-psychologist, member of the International
Psychotherapeutic League Natalia TOLSTAYA
Men's games with age: time to get married and time for heartfelt conversations
— Natalya Vladimirovna, what does a man really want?
— Perhaps the fact that the woman — love. But the ideas of a man and a woman about this feeling are so striking that it is worth talking about it in more detail.
The cherished dream of any girl, standing at the altar in her wedding dress, is to hear from her chosen one that she is destined to become the only beloved woman in his life.
For a man, such concepts as love and fidelity are not at all synonymous. Having married the beautiful Malvina at the age of 18, he can idolize her, but if at the same time the broken Babeta calls him to her, he will not deny himself the pleasure of spending time with her, thereby forcing his Malvina to bat her long eyelashes in bewilderment. For at this age a man is turned on by everything that moves.
By the age of 25, he wants to see a woman next to him who has achieved something in this life, and by the age of 30 he feels an irresistible craving to take care of her.
The best time to get married — 30—36 years old. At this time, the man feels like a family man. And he, indeed, will be such until a midlife crisis comes, under the rubble of which lies more than one happy marriage, destroyed in favor of a young mistress. Calmness in relationships sets in when a man is over 50. This is where the desire to “talk heart to heart” arises, but not for long, because after 60 he is again drawn to love exploits for the sake of his own self-assertion.
— But sometimes a man is not going to leave the family at all, while continuing to build relationships on the side…
— In such situations, he is like a knight standing at the crossroads of three roads, and it is impossible to predict where each of them will lead him. But on the other hand, it can be said for sure that with whatever woman he would begin to build relationships, he will still end up in a harem.
Please note that there are several women around each man at once: mother, first wife, daughter from a joint marriage, niece, second wife, stepdaughter, etc.
And in every family, he will be required attention, guardianship, and the ability to solve problems. Just like in every family, there will always be a struggle for his love between his wife and mother. In this regard, the mistress is in a privileged position. Remaining on the sidelines, she, as a rule, is not familiar with a potential mother-in-law and therefore does not engage in tugging the rope of love in her direction, which greatly simplifies the life of a man.
Love lasts 18 months, or Why does a mistress get a donut hole
— That is, all the trump cards are initially in the hands of the mistress?
— Unfortunately no. Most often, only a donut hole remains for the mistress. And if you look at the statistics, it turns out that only eight percent of men marry their mistresses. This, among other things, has a purely mathematical explanation: love lasts exactly 18 months. Then, involuntarily, all the shortcomings of the partner are visible. A mistress is like a picture: when you look at a distance, she is beautiful, but as soon as you get closer, all the strokes of imperfection of character are immediately visible, which by no means attract a man. However, she will be present in his life. Counseling men (and recently they have begun to seek psychological help), I interviewed more than 300 people, and all of them said that they were not at all focused on fidelity. For many mistress — a kind of long-legged blonde with a model figure — just a prop that is needed during business meetings, an opportunity to assert oneself in one's own (and at the same time in other people's) eyes, nothing more.
The position of the wife in the love triangle is much more advantageous — because she is next to her husband at every stage of his life, sharing with him all the problems. It is no coincidence that a man can experience such a state as "brain orgasm" only with his beloved woman.
Moreover, the crisis has also affected personal relationships. Today, many men… return to the family, because only the wife can provide a reliable rear. She is always at the forefront: does she get food, does it help to wash her wounds (including mental ones), does she stock up on grenades of arguments in favor of her husband. In a word, only she can give him everything he needs.
Dueling Treason: Strategize and Surrender
— But what to do in case of infidelity husband? Be happy for him and say: "Be happy"?
— No, of course, if we are talking about the struggle for a loved one, and not for my slave habits (“What will I do without him?”) Or for that appendage, which is often a husband who is dependent on his wife and at the same time her right and left. In this case, without regret, it is worth throwing open the door — let it roll on all four sides.
We are now talking about adultery as a test that lies in wait for spouses, as we have already found out, at different stages of their life together. And here it is necessary to develop a strategy with the talent of a commander, — after all, the wife must protect the inviolable boundaries of her family. It was not she who violated them, but an enemy infiltrator appeared on her territory. In order to isolate him (and, thereby, avert trouble from the family), one should, first of all, get rid of the slave mentality.
• You can’t throw around phrases like “I gave you the best years,” just as you can’t push around a sense of duty.
• You can not answer the cry for the cry — will not help.
• And you should not make decisions at all at night: all strategies are best developed in the morning.
— How then to return the faithful to the family?
— One of the surest ways… surrender. Remember how Kutuzov gave the burned Moscow to the French and won the victory. A man who is in the euphoria of a new (or next) love feels like Napoleon and is sure that a serious battle for him between loving women will flare up. And you do not at all intend to put up a battery of facts, charge the artillery of arguments, but instead, you are giving way to the battlefield, thus inflicting a crushing blow on pride: a man cannot stand an indifferent attitude towards himself. A negative attitude feeds him, a positive — cools. And surrender turns into victory.
He may prefer to rest on the beds of his beloved for the time being, but only the conflict has not been settled, which will make him come for the fifth, hundredth, thousandth time to sort things out. Here lies another trap. He is sure that if they let him go easily, then they will accept him just as easily. This means that he will have to go deep into the relationship, thereby weakening his position and submitting to the winner. And, on the contrary, you can immediately lose the battle if, clinging to the skirts of the jacket of the departing spouse, you beg him not to destroy the family — rest assured, that is exactly what he will do.
Of course, it's good to know what a man expects from you. And he is waiting, as we have already understood, for love, regardless of how he acts at the moment — with the selfishness of a child or a repentant rake. If he realized that not a single beauty in the world could replace his family, but he was unable to back down — help him with this. One of my patients, an experienced womanizer, told me what a woman should do if she wants her husband back and avoid divorce. There is a dose of common sense in the rules he has drawn.
Advice from a ladies' man, or How not to behave to a deceived wife
• The wife, having learned about her husband's betrayal, must find the right words and be able to talk to him like no other, while showing how much she loves him.
• No need to return it by force, insist on fulfilling your duty – all this will only disappoint in the future.
• It is impossible not to be jealous, otherwise a man will feel unnecessary, but you also need to be jealous without fanaticism.
• All this period must be endured, then the husband will be grateful.
• When he leaves, say: "I have not loved a single man and will not love the way I love you." At the same time, you can start a new romance, but do not advertise it.
• You should never tell your husband that all paths are cut off. He should be able to go back.
Separation at the level… thoughts: focus on happy moments
— Suppose the wounds are washed, words of forgiveness are spoken, and life is started from a new leaf. Is it possible to put up barriers so that betrayal crosses the threshold of the house again?
— First of all, you should not let it into your thoughts, because it is not in vain that folk wisdom says: “What you are afraid of, you will get!” Every day I have to listen to the heartbreaking stories of patients, many of whom prepared the departure of their dearest half from the family with their own hands. And this is not surprising.
If you day and night imagine a discord with your husband or admit the possibility of his betrayal — do not doubt: sooner or later it will come true. Depending on the degree of imagination and effort invested in virtual pictures of possible failures, the corresponding result can be obtained. One of my acquaintances lamented for so long that she was afraid of loneliness and illness, although neither the first nor the second threatened her, that, in the end, she got asthma and a grandiose divorce.
We constantly upset the balance of the universe with our negative thoughts. Therefore, learn to focus your attention on joyful moments, and you will understand that there are no less of them in life than sad ones.
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