Some people may find the idea radical, but we affirm that there is no need to quarrel with your partner. Never. Insults, reproaches, accusations, threats, curses – whether spoken out loud or softly with a sarcastic smirk – destroy relationships, sometimes irrevocably. No one wants to be a monster and doesn't need to be treated like a monster.
On the other hand, no two people, no matter how destined for each other, agree with each other always and in everything (that would be, to say the least, terribly boring). Partners must be able to discuss differences, have space for constructive criticism, express their own opinions, disagreements and intense feelings that the other may not share, without fear of judgment and subsequent regret for what was done.
To build healthy relationships, it is important to have the skills necessary for "friendly quarreling" – respectful joint search for a working solution to conflicts. Friendly quarrel – it is working through the essential differences that express our beliefs and passions without resorting to hurting each other. It allows you to go through the released steam without getting burned, to quarrel, still remaining friends.
Some couples in mature healthy relationships have an intuitive understanding of what a friendly fight is. However, most happy couples learn the art of working together and supporting each other, staying connected even when differences frighten, frustrate, and upset them. And most come to the following simple rules.
1. Accept Conflict
Don't be afraid of disagreement. Conflicts – it's okay, even great. The differences between you mean that there are things you can teach each other. Often the conflict shows where personal growth is possible or necessary.
2. Discuss the issue, not each other
A friendly quarrel is fought over a specific issue. Neither side gets personal, labels or undermines the reputation of the other side. Task – solve one problem, not create new ones by hurting your partner's feelings.
3. Listen respectfully
When a person is firmly convinced of something, listen to him – at least fair. Respectful listening means understanding the feelings of another by focusing attention and expressing it verbally. Keep your point of view to yourself until you allow your partner to make sure that you understand his strong feelings about the subject of the dispute. Even if you don't quite understand them.
4. Speak softly
He who screams loudly will not be heard. Even if your partner raises his voice, don't yell back. Lowering the volume will allow the disputants to focus on the subject of the conflict, rather than the reaction to the noise.
5. Be Curious, Don't Be Defensive
Furiously defending one's innocence or rightness by turning the table and attacking only leads to an escalation of the conflict. Instead, ask for more information – details and examples. The other person's point of view usually has a basis. When you meet them with curiosity, you create space for mutual understanding.
6. Ask for specifics
General statements involving the words "always" and "never" will almost always greet you in a dead end and are never true. If your partner has a complaint, ask him to move away from general comments to specific examples – so you can clearly understand what he or she means. When you have complaints, do your best to give your partner specific examples to work with.
7. Find points of agreement
Almost always there are parts of the conflict that can be points of agreement. Even if this is a very problematic convention, finding a common basis – an important start to a common solution.
8. Looking for options
A quarrel ends when a joint activity begins. A polite request for suggestions or alternatives – invitation to cooperation. Close attention to the available options shows your respect, and your offer of alternatives – desire and willingness to try something new.
9. Make a concession
A small concession can turn the whole situation upside down. Even a minor concession on your part will create space for your partner to respond. Small concession – way to a big compromise. This does not always mean that you will meet at the 50:50 point. Sometimes it's 60:40 or even 20:80. It's not about the score, it's about finding a solution acceptable to both of you.
10. Make peace
My elderly neighbor, who has been married for 68 years, told me one day that on her wedding day, she and her husband agreed never to go to bed when they were in a fight. From the very beginning, they agreed that their relationship – more important than winning an argument. Sometimes they stayed up late until they found an acceptable compromise. Sometimes this meant that one of them decided that the issue was not important enough to keep him awake – and gave in. Both of them understood the value of their marriage, and when one of them made a concession, the other offered peace, showing how much he appreciates a partner. These people still love each other after 68 years, in which, of course, there have been many conflicts. Apparently they know something.
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