Entering into marriage, newly-made husband and wife, in love and young, are confident that their love will help them survive all life's hardships and they will always be the closest and dearest people in the world to each other. But, unfortunately, many do not stand the test of family life and soon more and more begin to doubt both the correctness of their choice and the sincerity of feelings. The so-called everyday life is capable of destroying relationships that until recently seemed exemplary, and others predicted a happy joint future for such a sweet union. Marriage therapist John Gottman identified four major signs of impending divorce, calling them the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse." and suggested ways to solve these problems. Read the article on how to avoid divorce and save your family.
Problem #1. Expression of contempt for spouse
Contempt is expressed in offensive nicknames, ridicule, evil humor, offensive sarcasm, contemptuous grins – anything that can hurt a partner's self-esteem. This behavior is caused by the desire to mock the spouse and insult him. This problem – the most common and perhaps the most serious.
How to be? In order to save the marriage, the spouses should work on themselves so that such attacks are completely excluded, and an atmosphere of love, respect and kindness reigns in the family.
Problem #2. Criticism of a partner, not his behavior
Criticism may be about character traits or the character of the spouse. Often, generalizations are used for reproaches such as: "you never" hellip; "," you always " hellip; "," you are one of those people " hellip; ". Naturally, such attacks provoke a defensive reaction from the partner, and the dialogue develops into a quarrel, the participants of which no longer hear each other.
How to be? You can criticize, but if you want to save your family, criticize not a person, but his specific actions. For example: “When X happened, I felt Y, and I need Z”.
Problem #3. Aggressive Defense
One of the partners feels constant pressure due to criticism from his half. Usually the person being criticized either attacks back or chooses to be the victim and begins to make excuses using phrases such as "I'm not to blame", "I'm not". Mutual accusations begin to appear in the conversation, and a stream of counter criticism pours in the direction of the accuser. One's own point of view is being imposed more and more, while someone else's is ignored.
How to be? To save the marriage, you should try to take the partner's side and make it clear that you agree with at least part of his words, because you understand his feelings.
Problem #4. Closure in itself, escape from conflict
To avoid difficult situations, partners may avoid confrontation, try to change the subject of conversation and evade answers using one-syllable sentences. However, it will not be possible to protect oneself from quarrels and conflicts in this way, because such neutrality is perceived as coldness, distancing, disapproval and arrogance.
How to be? It is possible to save a family only if such changes for the worse are noticed in time and the problem is neutralized. If you can't handle the storm of emotions, take a break and continue the conversation only when both have calmed down.
Having learned to hear and understand your loved one, you will not constantly quarrel over trifles – this will help to avoid divorce and maintain tender feelings for your chosen one. Be happy and listen to your heart!
Add a comment