Loyalty is a rare quality these days. Most people, according to statistics, have cheated on their spouses at least once. Cheating most often causes the destruction of relationships, because it is very difficult to forgive betrayal. It is all the more important to understand what drives people to such actions. Especially in cases where the marriage is happy.
As romantic relationships blossom and mature, people in love begin to feel emotionally dependent on each other. This closeness can provoke anxiety - an unbearable fear of losing the main person of your life. In an effort to feel safe, many couples try to get rid of excessive intimacy by introducing risky and destabilizing elements into their lives.
Here is a case from the life of an ordinary Kyiv family. Alina, a kind and caring 40-year-old housewife mommy, is cheating on her loving caring husband Alexander with a young sexy Peter. According to the generally accepted logic, Alina's betrayal is a symptom of her dissatisfaction with marriage, the woman's unspoken desire to end it. Nevertheless, Alina and Sasha seem to be quite a happy couple. Despite the fact that their relationship seems to have lost some of the eroticism, they still provide both a lot of domestic pleasures, warmth, support and cozy togetherness. What prompted Alina to betray her truly beloved husband? Let's try to figure it out.
Fear of losing someone who is too important
The struggle to experience love and passion within the same monogamous relationship is a challenge that many couples face. After all, to love and at the same time desire a partner who means so much to you is scary.
For Sasha and Alina, as for many other couples, a spouse is a co-parent, a soul partner and a lover, gathered into one single irreplaceable fragile human being. In fact, for these husband and wife, marriage is the only emotionally significant line in their lives. The fact that spouses are the main source of moral support, emotional intimacy and erotic pleasure for each other causes unconscious anxiety in them.
For many people, it is in middle age that the awareness of mortality becomes more real and frightening. Watching their parents bury their spouses, they witness the emotional devastation of such a loss. Therefore, among other things, perhaps Alina allowed herself a relationship with Peter in order to become less emotionally dependent on her husband?
A happy marriage does not involve passion and aggression
Due to its turbulent nature, passion is considered to be a threat to the stability of a marriage. Passion is not politically correct. At the same time, the violation of taboos, the manifestation of aggression, exhibitionism, submission and domination - for many are the strongest aphrodisiacs. Therefore, in order to keep their marriage calm and predictable, many people channel erotic enthusiasm into extramarital channels.
Experiencing love and passion for the same person - a life partner - implies tolerance for conflicting feelings. The desire for autonomy versus the desire for emotional dependency. Tenderness for a partner is against aggression towards him. The need for stability - and a passion for adventure. Often we are aware and accept only the comfortable part of ourselves and our partner, ignoring the traits that provoke anxiety.
For example, Alina perceives Alexander only as "warm and fluffy" and treats him accordingly. She is not inclined to accept aggressiveness and lust in him. Satisfying his wife's expectations, Alexander moves, smiles and talks like a middle-aged teddy bear. In turn, Sasha, keeping the passion away from their relationship, sees Alina as a bearer of maternal qualities - predictable and incapable of risk or adventure. And until some time, she agrees to this role. Ironically, Alexander must be the only person who ignores Alina's erotic charisma. Thus, both husband and wife are engaged in selective neglect of eroticism in themselves and in each other, which potentially threatens each of them.
Fornication acts as a steam valve
Sasha and Alina's unconscious and unmanifested passion and aggression find expression in their emotional triangle with Peter.
Unconsciously investing in maintaining the predictability of her marriage, Alina treats her husband like a male child, and directs all erotic attraction to Peter. In the marital bed, Alina allows herself only gentle, loving manifestations. But in her extramarital affair, she gives free rein to sexual desires - domination and submission, role-playing games, allows herself to spank and be spanked, indulge in sex in unusual places.
In the same way, the "soft bear" Sasha, who does not allow himself a single gram of aggression towards his wife, even suspecting her relationship on the side, lets off steam by arranging a fight with Peter at a party in a restaurant in honor of his wife's birthday.
Thus, paradoxically as it may sound, Alina's extramarital affairs allow both spouses to realize unconscious sexual and aggressive desires without destroying their tender and stable marriage.
Feel independent and erotically alive
If people pass off erotica as an illusion of marriage security, their relationship becomes stale and bloodless. Routine and predictability are the two pillars of stability that stifle erotic spontaneity and creativity.
In contrast, shrouded in mystery, risky extramarital affairs fill lovers with excitement and pleasant excitement.
However, there is a huge price to pay for adultery. Tired of endless lies. An unbearable feeling of guilt for betraying a loved one.
Fearing a breakup, some couples turn to family psychologists to ease the soul and rekindle the flame of desire. Through therapy, couples learn to express and explore the tender, passionate, and aggressive aspects of their own and their partner's personalities. They learn to deal with anxiety and guilt and gain the ability to endure the tension created by the conflict of love and passion, tenderness and aggressiveness experienced in relation to the main person in their life. Sasha and Alina have every chance to achieve this.
Source estet-portal.com
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