Statistical figures dryly report that more than half of families are breaking up. If your marriage has also failed strength tests, the first thing to do — think about how to explain the divorce to your child. You don’t need to delay this conversation until the last, you still have to choose a day, sit down all together and inform your child that you have decided to leave. And the what words you find depends very, very much in the future life of a little person.
- How to explain divorce to your child: simple tips
- What not to say: the main mistakes in communicating with child
- How to make sure your child understands you correctly
How to explain to a child about divorce: simple tips
Divorce — it is difficult, painful and unpleasant for everyone: the usual picture of the world for each family member is collapsing. However, adults somehow manage the process, but the child does not, and he is scared, he feels that something is wrong, but does understand what it is. The sooner you explain it to him, the better.
Read also: What not to say to your child: avoid these phrases
The following are suggestions for explaining divorce to your child:
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It is highly desirable that both dad and mom be present during the conversation. If this is not possible, during the conversation, in no case you can speak negatively about the absent parent.
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Don't need too much positivity, kids are good at feeling fake and will trust you.Start with the truth We can no longer can treat each other the same way, maybe you ; felt it. Unfortunately, the only way out of the current situation is for me and dad/mom to live separately...".
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First reaction to stress — negation. The child will try to "act out" situation back, offer options, ask. Try gently but confidently to communicate the finality of the decision, do not create false illusions.
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Reassure your child that their life will not change drastically. He will still be able to see all relatives, his parents will take part in his life (for example, come to his birthday, performances, first/last call).
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Children need certainty in the next period of time, it gives them a sense of security. Say who's leaving, where, how, and when you'll be able to see the other parent.You can discuss your plans for tomorrow, anything to show that the world hasn't collapsed, life goes on, it just becomes a little different.
For a conversation with a student, it is better to choose either Friday evening, or in general — holiday. Find out that parents are getting divorced — awful, and getting up and going to school as usual will be very difficult (not to mention the less classes will be wasted).
Read also: How to speak so that children will listen and understand the first time
What Not to Say: Major Mistakes in Communicating Child
Thinking about how to explain a divorce to a child, you can spend hours choosing the right words, but spoiling everything with an accidentally thrown phrase. It is clear that it is difficult to carefully weigh every word when the nerves are already strained. But still try to avoid the following language both during during the conversation and in communication after:
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"Everyone will get better". No, it won't, for a child, for sure. He will hear in this phrase that the parents decided everything in their own favor, ignoring his interests.
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"You'll have a new dad, another brother/sister". Talking about new family members is better to postpone and for a long time. Finding someone to blame — one more stage of experience, and conditional "new dad" would be the perfect target for accusations.
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"It's normal, a lot of people go through this". On the one hand, yes, it is understandable the desire of parents to minimize stress, to pretend that there is nothing wrong, they say, it doesn’t happen to anyone. It will work in the short term, but the child will grow up and the chances of having a normal family with this attitude are low.
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"You still too small, you will understand when you grow up". "When you grow up" means "never" to children. Speak now, explain, and even if the child asks the same same questions a hundred times — answer, he really needs it.
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My dad/mum and I fell out of love, it happens». Children think primitively — fell out of love with each other, then stop loving me too. And the fear that your mom or dad will stop loving you is the most powerful, so it’s better not to allow such thoughts and not to focus on adult relationships.
Before you explain the divorce to your child, try to concentrate and calm down. Tears, breaking voice, trembling hands — this will all speak of that you are scared and frustrated. Even if it is, children don do not need to know about it. You adults, you keep the situation under control, everything is fine — confidence and strength should come from you, it will be transferred to the baby.
Read also: 7 signs it's time for you to end your relationship
How to make sure your child understands you correctly
Like adults, children need time to accept any news. In the first days, some changes in behavior are possible, the child may become aggressive, whiny, capricious — this is a variation of the norm. But, as a rule, two to three weeks is enough to adapt to new conditions. If the child does not have sleep disturbances, he has not changed interests and hobbies, he is not withdrawn and can talk about the other parent calmly and without tears, it is highly likely that you passed this difficult stage successfully.
During the divorce and the first time after it, it is difficult to remain a reasonable and objective parent. To make sure that everything is fine, try to talk with the class teacher (teacher, coach), ask if he noticed any changes in the child's behavior. At the same time, low ratings — not an indicator, focus on communication with peers, participation in public affairs. If you were assured that everything is fine — exhale, most likely it is. If the child behind the walls of the house behaves in a completely different way, it is better to contact a psychologist, he will help to figure it out.
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