Healthy communication between people lies in mutual understanding, moral support, mutual assistance. Not every person wants or knows how to properly support, while forgetting about their problems. No one ever thinks fully about the other person all the time. Everyone is busy with himself and his own problems. The crux of the matter is that there are people who can generalize and move away from their unsuccessful streak of life, change course of position, gaining a positive attitude.
And there are individuals who dig so deep into their problems, failures and falls that they simply cannot see the solution to problems, do not know where to look for it. The only thing left for them is to spoil the lives of others and feel sorry or blame themselves. In such behavior lie completely different motives and hidden desires. Let's figure out how to properly communicate with people who constantly complain.
Types of people who are doing poorly: ulterior motives
Why every meeting with a girlfriend or boyfriend ends with whining and complaints, and you start to involuntarily think that maybe it should be so that everything should always be in black tones without a ray of light. In fact, when a person begins to complain and dump everything that has accumulated on another, pour out the negative, he is recharged with positive from the interlocutor, freeing himself from problems in this way. There are three types of people who are not doing well:
The first type of complaining personality needs permission to live a bad life, self-justification
When during communication between people there is a one-sided conversation about a bad, unsuccessful life, about a bunch of small problems, for another interlocutor it seems that the purpose of the conversation is to speak out and that's it. When offered solutions to problems and advice, the person simply brushes aside and says: “You don’t understand, this cannot be the simple solution to such problems.” A person simply does not want to see the simplicity of the way out, she needs self-justification in such an unfortunate turn of events. A person just needs an affirmative answer from the interlocutor that everything is really bad, and nothing can be done about it. This style of communication is aimed at manipulating the emotions of another person in order to justify one's own weakness.
What is the reason for this behavior?
Everyone understands that in a difficult moment it is necessary to direct all your strength in order to overcome difficulties and solve all problems. At some point, a person turns his back on these difficulties and simply does not want to do anything, waiting for everything to resolve itself. All that is required from a friend / girlfriend is confirmation of the correctness of such behavior in order to calmly continue to live according to the “doing nothing better than trying” type. All the negativity remains in the soul of the interlocutor, in return, relief is received.
The second type of personality, which always dislikes everything, needs self-affirmation
This type of approach is considered more subtle and sophisticated. At first glance, the interlocutor asks about life, career, success. And when the right moment comes, when you opened your soul and your cards, talked about a wonderful life, a loving husband or wife, about a successful career ladder, then the interlocutor, instead of rejoicing, throws the whole conversation over to himself and throws the following phrase: “Here everything is fine with you, because your husband loves”, or “What else do you need, your wife does not have a soul in you”, option: “Of course, you have a place to live and a car”, something like that.
And then he starts to tell what is wrong with him, and everything is in a circle, everything is bad. You then have a feeling of guilt, what is the one to blame? Why is everything better for me? And you dig in your head, looking for everything bad that is, so as not to stand out against this background of evil rock.
What is the reason for this behavior and how to properly communicate with people of this type?
Most often, this type of manipulation is used by a person to establish himself in his inability, that you got all the good illegally, just lucky. Thus causing guilt on your part and self-assertion on your part. It is important to know how to properly communicate with people who require only self-affirmation from communicating with you. There are two ways out: to talk heart to heart and find out what's what, and why such an opinion. Or put direct questions so that the interlocutor cannot avoid answering and say exactly what is the reason for such self-assertion.
The third type of communication with people who position themselves as bad
Another sophisticated manipulation when communicating, when a person does not show that he is a victim directly. And he says that he is the most “bad” one, he can’t do anything about it, he doesn’t ask for anything, he just warns. Often such a person can use the following phrases: “now you are offended / offended, and I said / la & hellip;”, “No one wants to communicate with someone like me.” Such standard phrases similar to self-flagellation, which instinctively make you feel like you can convince a person of such delusional thoughts, immediately come to the rescue.
What is the person actually asking for?
In such a game, ulterior motives are used to justify oneself, to relieve oneself of responsibility for one's actions and behavior, for one's life. There is a third person who is accused of all the troubles, and you are required to confirm such a fact in order to confirm the guilt of another.
How to communicate with people who constantly complain about life
The third type of personality that manipulates when complaining can be identified using the well-known Karpman Triangle. Such a theory explains that communication between people is concluded between the performance of three types of roles: "rescuer", "persecutor"; and "victim". Thus, you take on the role of "rescuer", the second interlocutor tries on the role of an indirect "victim", and the third person in the form of society, parents, friend, employee become "persecutors".
This triangle play can reverse roles, and is dangerous in that the rescuer may later become the pursuer. Such a manipulative manner of communication is fraught with the acquisition of a new undesirable role for you, which leads to a loss of respect, self-confidence.
What to do, how to properly communicate with people of this type
First of all, decide whether to communicate with such a person? If you don’t want to cut off all the threads of your relationship with him, then you should change the tactics of the conversation, and when the interlocutor starts another epic about his unsuccessful life, ask specific questions: What is the reason for this? Than can i help to fix the situation? What did you do to resolve everything and start living differently?
Such questions "on the forehead" disarm your interlocutor, and the conversation will flow in a completely different direction.
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