The desire of parents to create the most comfortable and healthy psychological atmosphere for their child is quite natural and understandable. But in trying to protect a son or daughter from mental trauma, parents often make mistakes. As a rule, they are guided by their own feelings from certain situations, by their own reactions to certain words and events, and project it onto children.
But the peculiarities of the child's psyche require a different approach, and this information is simply necessary for parents.
- Peculiarities of the child's psyche: the most common mistakes in education
- 1. High adaptability
- 2. Leading learning
- 3. Ability to manipulate
- We take into account the peculiarities of the child's psyche: how to avoid injuries
Peculiarities of the child's psyche: the most common mistakes in education
Child psychologists believe that most often parents do not take into account the three main features of the psyche of children.
1. High adaptability
There is a common misconception that the child's psyche is extremely vulnerable, and therefore the child must be protected from any negative shocks.
But in fact, a child is mentally much stronger than an adult.
It's mainly due to the lack of morality. It may sound unpleasant or even shocking, but children, especially younger ones, have not yet formed moral principles, they do not have a clear definition of good and evil. These concepts will become decisive much later, and fixed as a moral code already after 20 years (on average).
Therefore, what an adult perceives as a good or bad event has a neutral psychological coloring for a child. He watches the reactions of adults in order to understand how to react himself. So, having got into a potentially traumatic situation, the child will behave exactly as it is "dictated" by the child. adults with their behavior.
The adaptability of the child and the consequences of not taking this feature of the child's psyche into account can be illustrated by the example of parental quarrels.
Psychologists believe that parents' attempts to maintain the appearance of a good relationship at any cost so as not to injure the child — worst possible.
In this case, the child intuitively feels "abnormality"; and unnatural environment. And the conclusions he can draw (and very often do!) will surprise many parents.
Realizing that something wrong is happening in the family and the fact that something is obviously being hidden from him, the child decides that the reason is in he. And from this moment begins the development of a number of problems — from low self-esteem to unloved child syndrome.
2. Leading learning
It is a mistake to think that before a certain age a child is not able to understand certain things, so they can be safely ignored in the education process. The child forms his attitude to & nbsp; any situations or feelings just when he & nbsp; encounters them. And even without understanding the true essence of what is happening, he is already creating a "foundation" on which the development of his psyche will be built.
And let again take a family quarrel as an example. So, if parents shout during a skirmish, throw insults and show other signs of aggression, after which they explain to the child that everything is fine and dad and mom love you», the child develops an attitude towards aggression as normal occurrence or even manifestation of love. Although he has no idea about family ties, nor love or resentment, the child already knows: to scream and swear — this is normal. But at the same time, when he tries to act the same way, it causes a "weird" the reaction of & nbsp; parents, who suddenly begin to blame him. Such situations —
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3. Ability to manipulateChildren — "professional" manipulators. This is a very important evolutionary mechanism, which in ancient times was designed for the survival of offspring.
With the help of crying and screaming, the child makes adults pay attention to their own needs and satisfy them. But if in infancy such behavior is natural and really helps the baby to protect himself from hunger, thirst, cold, heat and pain, then at an older age manipulative mechanisms that have not turned off in time can cause serious damage.
Parents
often support and feed the child's desire to get things done through tears and screaming, as they experience pity, guilt, or other destructive feelings. In addition, there is a misconception that if a crying child is not given attention, he will develop a sense of his own uselessness, he will not have feelings of intimacy with his parents, and, in general, his psyche will be traumatized. At the same time, the father and mother often refuse to see obvious signs of manipulative behavior — for example, the instantly drying tears of a baby who has achieved his goal.
Psychic trauma actually happens much later, when a grown child begins to contact more closely with other people who react to his manipulations in a completely different way than parents. As a result,he may develop anxiety disorders, critically low self-esteem, he may resort to voluntary self-isolation.
Read also: How to teach your child independence: 10 golden rules for parents
We take into account the peculiarities of the child's psyche: how to avoid injuriesChild psychologists recommend adopting the following methods:
Honesty. Don't hide anything from a small child that you think might hurt him. Remember that the cause of the injury — it's not any specific event, but its interpretation. Don do evaluate situations until explaining to the child. So, if he had to witness a parental quarrel, explain that mom and dad are in a bad mood, and sometimes this leads to misunderstanding. Compare this with how a child doesn want to go to kindergarten and he is naughty, ask what he feels at such a moment. And & nbsp; draw a parallel with & nbsp; quarrel: parents can be unpleasant from &
The same principle of honesty should be used in other circumstances if a child asks for an explanation.
- Suppress manipulation.
Loving child concessions — different concepts. To protect both yourself and from the consequences of manipulative behavior, remember: the task of — to educate a person who can adapt in society and will be able to find a common language with other people. Therefore, talk to him about all the situations in which he tries to put pressure on pity, operate on your guilt, lack of your time, etc. Use simple formulas for this: "What does the word" no "mean?", "When I say" no ", what can it mean?", "When you" you tell me „no“ — how do I behave?", "If everything was different, how would you respond to the word"no"? “When something is forbidden or not allowed in your school, what will you do? And why you do it differently with me?».
And remember that no matter how it is banal, but the most important educational aspects lie in the behavior of the parents. Be a good example for your children, and this will protect them from many troubles, including psychological trauma.
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