Psychotherapist Alice Boyes identified three main behaviors and communication between partners in a couple, which gradually ruin relationships. Sometimes we don't even suspect that the seemingly harmless words: "Why don't you listen to me?" or "Decide for yourself", "Why don't you listen to me?" — lead relationships to failure. Consider three manners of interaction between partners:
1. Escape Question
Review your relationship for these conversations:
— Do you think I should go to work or should I stay at home? – Wife asks
— Decide yourself. — Husband says
The same model can be vice versa. One partner wants to ask for the opinion of the other, but does not receive a full answer, as if running away from responsibility. If such a pattern of statements is often found in communication, it may seem that dodging an answer may harbor indifference and distance from mutual relations. If the partner does not receive a positive response from the lover or beloved, the relationship will become tense and annoying. Ideally, mutual connection involves understanding each other, support in difficult situations, sharing joyful days and common desires. And it turns out that a loved one no longer wants to listen and understand a partner, because of which anger and resentment accumulate.
The second partner may continue to ignore requests, or may react aggressively to the current situation. Psychologist Alice Boyes advises to listen to your statements about your partner, maybe the partner's reaction is explained by the response.
2. Onslaught-onslaught
Evaluation or criticism, humiliation and hitting are the key methods of onslaught and attack between partners. How are these forms different?
Evaluate and criticize the individual shortcomings of the partner. For example, such sides are subject to criticism: laziness, stinginess, lethargy, anger. The main statements that make you aware of this form are: "you must…", or "why never …". Such words are aimed at injuring a partner, hurting, so as to become ashamed. But in retaliation, the partner feels only a strong desire to fight back and protect his dignity.
Humiliation is called a dirty form, because sarcasm and ridicule, accusations and curses, hostility and offensive speeches are used. Also, humiliation is fueled by offensive facial expressions and gestures, even intonation.
A run-in or a claim is referred to as a perfect act that clearly causes disrespect.
3. Evasion-Escape or Escape-Evasion
Imagine if complaints and requests, desires and joint decisions remain in the past, and evasion of responsibility and evasion of joint affairs come to the fore. There is no moral support, support, joint interests and affairs. Such relationships are on the verge of failure and divorce. Alice Boyes, as an observant psychologist, draws such parallels: if you walk for a long time to a well in which there is no water and it will not be possible to gain life-giving force, there will come a time when you will not need to go there, just there will be a full well that fills you with strength and confidence.
It's very simple: One of the couple begins to find comfort and advice in another place, for example, with friends or at work, so you need to think about changing your tactics in communication, maybe you can return everything. What are the key points that lead to such a pattern of communication:
- partner finds support and comfort with other people (parents, colleagues);
- there is no need to tell your partner what you dream about, what you really want, plans and desires can be ridiculed and humiliated, thus remain secret;
- emotional interaction does not resonate with partner;
- there is an ignorance of what was said;
- trust and respect have disappeared, suspicion and distrust remain, the thoughts and values of the partner are not interesting;
- no plans for the future are made, no joint trips and projects, life seems to be apart.
Did you see all these signs in yourself or your partner? Hurry up to change your attitude and tactics of behavior and communication in order to save the relationship. After all, healthy relationships require care and work, confidence in each other.
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