When a married couple comes for a consultation with a psychologist, the first thing the specialist is interested in is — features of parental families. What do parents have to do with the problems that have arisen between two adult accomplished people? Turns out it's straight. It is they who form their child's ideas about the family, and the attitudes received in childhood affect the whole life and even program its scenario. Let's see how problems with parents can affect your love life and can fix it.
- 6 top factors influencing the choice of a partner
- Problems with Parents: Can Change Your Own Script
- 5 Guidelines for Choosing the Right Marriage Partner
- The main thing about the impact of problems with parents on personal life
6 top factors influencing the choice of a partner
Choosing a marriage partner — one of the most important decisions in every person's life. The further formation of personality, the feeling of happiness or unhappiness, the well-being of children and their future families depends on this. All this ultimately affects society as a whole. So it's a fateful choice in the most literal sense. And it is determined by characters, external data, intellect and values of people. How does appear in the ideal partners and correct relationships?
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Psychologists identify 6 main factors that influence the choice of marriage partners and relations in families:
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Parent-Child Relationships. In role-playing ages 3-6 years children already identify with parents. So, a girl, playing with dolls in daughter-mother, repeats the words of her own mother, copies her behavior, and baby doll-dad in her fantasy behaves like a father. The child's image of a future partner is already formed, depending on how the parent of the opposite sex behaves.
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Relationships between parents. The child adopts parental patterns of behavior, learns respect, learns love languages. If the family is prosperous, strong and loving, the child will most likely create the same. If mom and dad quarrel, insult each other, show neglect, this will become an obstacle to the future personal life of the child.
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Domination. It is not necessary to say out loud who is the boss in the house. The child reads this from the behavior of the parents and forms the image of a partner, focusing on the parent's behavior patterns. If the mother is the main one in the house (makes final decisions, manages her husband), the girl will instinctively look for a weak man, no matter how she declared her desire to be behind a stone wall.
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Settings.The existing problems with parents are superimposed on settings, which are broadcast by all family members, including grandparents. So, if the grandmother is convinced that all men — related to a famous animal, the same "common truth" the mother will also inform the child. And it means that the girl will grow up with distrust and disrespect for men. In the same way, boys get negative attitudes like "all women only want money."
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Birth Scenarios. Many psychologists and psychotherapists are researching this topic, but so far little has been found out. It is only known that there are certain patterns in the fate of representatives of the same and the same genera. They can be expressed in "tragic "accidents" and the troubles that occur in each new generation (accidents, suicides, illnesses, crimes).
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Individual Features. This is what sets a person apart from the mass of other people — abilities, aspirations, talents, values, priorities, features of decision-making. Collectively, all this is called life's purpose.
Our subconscious programs for choosing partners, behavior in relationships for the most part depend on parents, so problems with them can program our entire personal life. These programs change when a person gains new experience, but it is they that form the basis. In some cases, it is worth reconsidering the attitudes received in order to create a happy family.
Read also: Properties of a person's character that speak of mental disorders
Problems with Parents: Can Change Your Own Script
The first of all, you should recognize that not everything went smoothly in the parental family, and apply for professional help. Don blame your mother and father for the fact that you does have a personal life. Parents love their children and do everything they can to make them happy, but often they are unhappy themselves and make mistakes.
Quite often, psychologists advise to start work on correction with forgiveness of parents. It's very difficult — understand, forgive, stop being offended. It is important to realize that although a child perceives parents as omniscient and omnipotent, they are not. It is not worth hating the negative traits of mom or dad in yourself. They should be understood and worked out. Instant and drastic changes are impossible, but with time the attitude towards parents and marriage partners will change.
Read also: The Victim Syndrome: 5 Steps From Self-Deprecation to Freedom
5 landmarks for choosing the right marriage partner
Choosing a partner for a serious relationship, we first of all look for a true friend. Love, sexual attraction — this is important, but there are a few more criteria that to be guided by:
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Trust and calmness. It is important that you feel calm next to a partner, and intrigues, riddles, "secrets of the Madrid court" it definitely doesn contribute.
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A sense of humor. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, the main thing is that it's similar to yourself. If in doubt, think about whether you will and and laugh at the same jokes before the golden wedding. There are a lot of troubles in life, and you will have to learn to find the funny in them so as not to go crazy together.
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Respect for other people's opinions. Take a closer look at how the person you like reacts to other people's judgments. If he considers himself to the ultimate truth, and the people around you are fools, with time you will be treated approximately the same
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Common Interests. If there not there you face huge challenges: from scheduling your weekends to the inescapable feeling of loneliness as a couple.
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The ability to accept your partner's weaknesses. You have them, just like any other person. All are not saints. Tolerance for deficiencies — an important quality for both partners.
The well-known psychologist John Gottman calculated that for every negative change in the relationship between partners there should be five positive ones. If you understand that your couple does not have a common goal of constantly improving something, do not make long-term plans so as not to be disappointed.
Read also: 5 behaviors that are destroying your relationship
The main thing about the impact of problems with parents on personal life
Our personal life in many ways continues the parental family — fact, but it does mean that we must be unhappy if mom dad had a bad relationship. Pay attention to the following aspects:
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Parents' relationship with each other. Analyze it from an adult stance and realize the mistakes.
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The relationship between parents and children.
Possibility of correction. Unhappy parental family — this is not a sentence if you are willing to work on yourself and your relationship.
Read also: How to stop pretending: 11 steps to to the real you
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