I can't say no: how to fight

Once and again lending your last money to your friends, getting involved in dubious adventures and endlessly solving other people's problems, you reproach yourself for your inability to refuse the request of everyone who turns to you for help. Needless to say, such a model of behavior entails many negative consequences and can cause conflicts in the family.

"I can't say no, you know!" - you make excuses to your relatives and friends when they reproach you for the fact that you, , as usual, sacrificed their interests by helping friends or doing overtime work. Together with estet-portal.com we will figure out why this happens and how to overcome the problem.

1. Let's say a firm "no" low self-esteem
2. How to learn to refuse: a few simple steps
3. Learning to refuse politely, tactfully, but convincingly
4. Start with mirror practice
5. I don't know how to say "no": what is the reason

I don't know how to say "no": what is the reason

"I can't say no" quite convincingly,” you once again state disappointedly, starting to do things that yesterday were not included in your plans. Why don't many of us know how to firmly refuse when asked for something?

Psychologists believe that one of the main (and perhaps the main!) reason for the inability to refuse is the inability and unwillingness to always remain oneself and protect one's own, and not other people's, interests. Where does this completely natural need go?

It is quite possible, in this case, we are dealing with a certain "bias"; upbringing, when parents and teachers encourage in the child only obedience, the ability to fulfill the requirements of adults. And it's not even a matter of fear of punishment, such a kid is sincerely sure that if he becomes obstinate and disobedient, no one will love him.

A child is afraid of losing the love of loved ones, but, becoming an adult, such a person formulates for himself the reasons for his almost pathological reliability in a somewhat different way. Remember the last time you motivated your consent to watch a movie that was completely uninteresting for you with a girlfriend or to become a guarantor for a friend when receiving a loan?

You habitually justify yourself by saying that your refusal:
• can offend someone and provoke a conflict, which is completely unacceptable for you;
• will cause disappointment to friends and acquaintances who are used to relying on your help in any situation;
• will result in a response refusal if you yourself need help.

If this is true so, it's time to think about whether you are really loved or just manipulated, taking advantage of the softness of your character?

Let's say a firm "no" low self-esteem

Psychologists are convinced that our relationships with others are based, first of all, on our attitude towards ourselves. Numerous complexes, self-doubt make you an ideal object for manipulation: friends and enemies know perfectly well that you will easily sacrifice your interests for the sake of their location and sympathy.
Such behavior is no less detrimental to career growth: you will continue to completely disinterestedly "turn your shoulder", not counting on receiving a bonus or a higher position. The help of a trouble-free person is very often perceived by others as something obligatory and natural, sometimes not even deserving of simple gratitude. Isn't it time to stop?

Experts are convinced that, first of all, you need to understand that by expressing consent, when you would like to refuse, you are trying to maintain a false sense of harmony. At the same time, maintaining relationships in your system of priorities is significantly ahead of the desire to remain yourself.

So, your first priority is to respect your interests and needs with sufficient respect, which deserve no less attention than the needs of others. It should be noted that when motivating your negative response to a particular request, you should, first of all, voice your own desires and intentions.

How to learn to refuse: a few simple steps

Is it possible to learn to say no without getting into conflicts, hurting or humiliating other people? This is a very real and achievable goal, if you have managed to fully realize that the habit of agreeing, even if it goes against your interests and desires, is slowly but surely destroying your life.
First of all, you must stop convincing yourself and others of this every day, and the cherished phrase “I can’t say no” must be banished from your thoughts. Of course, the long-term habit of meekly fulfilling the requests, wishes or instructions of others leads to a peculiar life position, characterized by an exaggerated sense of responsibility. Do you really think that your colleagues, family and friends can not do without your help? Then just imagine that you have a need to go on a long business trip. They will probably find another way to carry out their plans.

Your main task at this stage is the realization of a simple fact: you do not owe anything to anyone and are free to manage your time and your life at your own discretion.

Learning to refuse politely, tactfully, but convincingly

Of course, in practice it is not so easy to abruptly change the style of behavior and replace complete reliability with terry egoism. However, this is not required: you just need to learn how to resist cases when it interferes with you, violates your plans. Psychologists have developed a whole algorithm, following which you can say a firm "no" without feeling impolite or ill-mannered.

The sequence of actions might look like this:

1. If you have made the decision to say "no", express your attitude towards the refusal. Usually a negative response begins with the words: "I'm sorry, but" hellip; ". Thus, you will prepare the ground for a firm refusal, but at the same time your behavior will not be considered impolite.

2. Now it's time to say "magic" word (forget what you used to think: I can’t say no) and say no.

3. Explain the reason for your refusal. However, you should not invent incredible stories for this or refer to a sudden illness. Just explain to the interlocutor that you have other plans (tastes or intentions).

4. If the interlocutor continues to insist, do not give up your positions – now it's a matter of principle! Try not to get annoyed, firmly say "no" - You know how to say this word very well!

5. Suggest a worthy alternative, a way to solve the problem without your participation.

Start with mirror training

Experts recommend practicing saying no in private with a mirror. Try saying the word "no" with different intonations, imagining different interlocutors: a formidable boss, an obsessive friend or a capricious child. Your refusal should sound firm, but not rude. At the same time, even giving the reason for your refusal, in no case make excuses and do not apologize for too long.

A practiced technique should be consolidated in practice. Practice refusing the little things, this will allow you to overcome the existing barrier. Just do it, instead of making someone's comfortable existence as usual, justifying your negligent behavior with a learned phrase: I can't say no.

Of course, you need to remember that the attitude of others can change. Your behavior will really push someone away, you can no longer be used, which means that you are no longer of interest to them. Well, so much the better – Only the closest people who sincerely love you will remain next to you.

A wide variety of psychological problems, which we sometimes do not want to admit to ourselves, prevent us from building harmonious relationships and achieving significant success in the professional field. The inability to say "no" - one of them, and it can destroy your life for years, forcing you to follow other people's plans and make other people's dreams come true. If you are unable to overcome the current situation, seek consultation from a professional psychologist, who will provide qualified assistance, taking into account individual character traits.

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