When entering into marriage, the newlyweds are in love, happy and firmly convinced that the terrible statistics — 70% divorce — has nothing to do with them. A few years pass, and this confidence weakens. The main misconception is dispelled: love cannot become an all-conquering force. She is not able to correct vices and shortcomings in a person, and "cute features" poison life. The psychology of marriage provides the tools to deal with the disappointments that await newlyweds.
- Psychology of marriage: why all of a sudden "this isn't that person..."
- A happy marriage is possible — 6 tips of family psychologists
- The main thing about difficulties awaiting newlyweds in marriage
Psychology of marriage: why all of a sudden "this isn't that person..."
The most terrible discovery that newlyweds make already in the first months of marriage: "This is not the" person with whom I "tied my fate." What is happening and why do people suddenly change? Everything is much simpler, it’s not the partners themselves that change as much as your attitude to their actions, words, habits. New priorities appear, and the spouses already have a different look at the individual characteristics of each other.
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In the candy-bouquet period, a man and a woman only win each other's love, and after marriage, the ardor cools down. A partner no longer seems so valuable. The situation is further aggravated by the fact that the characters are fully revealed. Each of the spouses continues to take care of their ego, completely different pictures of the world, dissimilar family traditions collide.
Everyday little things become a daily hard labor for the newlyweds. Isn't it stupid if the family breaks up because the husband loves salad with mayonnaise, and the wife loves vegetable oil? Yes, it sounds ridiculous, but in practice, that and is exactly what happens to couples who get divorced in the first year. People do not live up to the idealistic expectations of each other, they are disappointed. The psychology of marriage helps to understand how to cope with these difficulties.
Read also: How to understand another person: learning to listen and hear
A happy marriage is possible — 6 tips of family psychologists
All newlyweds know in advance that it will be difficult for them: relatives, friends and every feature article on the Internet. Everywhere advice is given on how to live happily ever after, but they are, for the most part, abstract. "Love one another, yield" — sounds wonderful. And how to do it in practice? Let's take a look at the "technical" side of things.
1. Family obligations: how to accept the feeling of "duty"
Be accountable — real test. By the way, the main argument of divorced people: finally, I don't have to (shouldn't) report to anyone. In the moments when spouses feel affection, it is easy for them to tell where they are and what they plan to do. But it often happens that partners get angry at each other or simply forget to call. This is a trifle, but it makes the other half doubt, worry.
Council of a family psychologist. Think of the need to report not as an unpleasant duty, but as a way to maintain trust in the family. If it is not possible to call, send SMS. If some actions are regularly repeated (for example, you are late for a meeting), you can make message templates. This will help prevent serious quarrels, suspicion, jealousy.
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2. How to deal with social isolation and lack of time
One day, a young couple discovers that they have absolutely no free time, and they have disappeared somewhere. This causes a storm of protest. I want the old friendly gatherings, entertainment, but every second is scheduled: work-home-partner. Life gets stuck, but it's impossible not to fulfill your duties. At such moments, the spouses miss the old days”, and divorce begins to seem like a perfectly acceptable solution to the problem.
Counsel for family counseling. You will need to discuss these matters. Decide how you want to spend your time, what days of the week you will be absent. Agree, for example, that you will visit the gym three times a week, and then have dinner with friends. Your partner probably has similar needs. You need to find a compromise and stick to the agreements. Don don't be afraid to spend time apart, it is only good.
3. The head of the family: everything is so ambiguous here
The fight for predominance in a young family seems ridiculous when looking at the sides of because in the age of gender equality it should not matter. In practice, everything is completely different We have to solve the issues of forming the family budget, spending, managing complex household processes (repairs, large purchases, etc.). It is good if one of spouse is experienced and knows how to solve such problems properly and quickly. Then he automatically becomes the "head". And if not?
Council of a family psychologist. Struggle for dominance in family — absurd. Rational solution — balanced distribution of all responsibilities. So, a working woman cannot cope with life, raising children, and at the same time take care of herself. She turns into a unkempt downtrodden person and begins to secretly dream of a divorce. In the same way, a man is rarely able to form a worthy family budget alone.
Sit down together, write down all the duties that you have to perform, and distribute (on paper!) Who is responsible for what. Surely the list will include a number of actions that generally can not be done or entrusted to someone else. For example, you can hire an assistant for cleaning, and solve the problem of dirty dishes by buying a dishwasher. Then only one question remains: who pays and how much.
4. Family budget — every young couple's mini-hell
When you planned your wedding, you quietly rejoiced, counting how your financial situation would improve when the budget was formed from two, and not one salaries. Surprise: it turned out that there was a catastrophic lack of money even for those needs that were previously paid for without any problems. You save, and finances are getting worse. What happened? It's just a family. Joint farming is costly — fact.
Advice from a family psychologist. Surely, deep down in your soul, you have already decided that all the blame is on the other half, who spends too much. No, not much. Now you just have to get serious about the calculations. Your expenses have really increased by several times, but here are the incomes — hardly To begin with, calm down and consider all the costs of home and living as an investment in the future. Once you get the system up and running, you will maintain it is much cheaper.
Calculate the necessary expenses, correlate with incomes and determine how much you can save. Most importantly, do not go over to personalities and do reproach your partner for spends too much on unnecessary things from your point of view. Accept it as a fact that he needs all this.5. Stretched pants and extra pounds — this is a problem
Already in the first year of family life, unsightly details are revealed. It turns out that the husband is infuriated by how long his beautiful half is washing in the bathroom, and it drives his wife crazy as the husband blows his nose loudly. But that's not all. Partners stop paying attention to & nbsp; their appearance. Stretched sweatpants, ugly family shorts, bras that aren't the first freshness, and a week-long stubble appear out of nowhere. The ideal suddenly becomes the anti-ideal.
Advice from a family psychologist. Calculate exactly how long it takes you to stay in the same shape you were in at the first stage of the relationship. Take this time away from cooking, friends, household chores. Clean yourself up regularly. This is important.
6. Relationships with relatives: don let ruin your lifeIf you want to save your family, you absolutely cannot live with your parents. The only exceptions are those newlyweds who have terminally ill bedridden relatives who require round-the-clock supervision. In other cases, you should live separately, no matter how hard it was.
Advice from a family psychologist. You fell in love with each other, but this doesn mean that you will automatically fall in love with all your relatives. Respect your parents, help them, but keep your distance. Don't connect them to solving your personal problems in relationships. It can destroy your marriage. Agree on when and how you will pay courtesy calls, how much money to spend on gifts, but live separately and put out conflicts at the first sign, otherwise they will escalate into vendetta.
Read also: Is it necessary to forgive everyone: how dangerous is hidden resentment
The main thing about difficulties awaiting newlyweds in marriageLove — powerful and beautiful feeling, but not enough to deal with marriage difficulties. This is confirmed by the statistics of registry offices. For your couple to be among the happy 30% of strong families, follow the advice of psychologists:
Be prepared for unpleasant changes.If you already see that your partner has flaws that you are not ready to put up with, don count on improvements.
Keep your significant other in on your progress. Of course, don call to let you know you ate, but let us know if you are running late, stuck in traffic, or can do what -some habitual action.
- Solve the issues of distribution of responsibilities, formation and spending of the family budget
by mutual agreements. Write everything down on paper.
Take care of appearance.Yes, you don have time for yourself, for friends, and for entertainment. Consider what you can sacrifice to stay in shape. Discuss this issue with a partner: agree on time, costs and other nuances.
- Native — it's sacred, but keep your distance. Think about what you will do to maintain relationships with close ones, but live separately. Never involve your relatives in solving your personal problems.
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